We all have fears and doubts.
We all have nightmares of one form or another.
We all have a past, a present and a future.
We all have a choice as to what we do for ourselves in our own lives and how we respond to all and any circumstance and situation.
For me, as mentioned in previous posts, I had quite a painful childhood and one that left me with scars both mentally and physically for many years. The biggest one being that of having been abused. In all meanings of the word. So when I began exploring the world of D/s and how the submissive can be empowered in their submission and servitude, it kick started a desire to learn how I myself could be empowered and it changed the way I saw myself.
Nightmares and flashbacks were an unfortunate part of the process. However, with each one came a new opportunity to address the monster that was holding them over me in such a way that I was holding back and not giving in to my inner wants and needs.
How could I possibly want to experience ropes, restraints, power play, control and submission if I couldn’t let go of the fears that were attached to those experiences from my past?
I even spent some time considering how D/s was different from my having being abused previously. The answers were staring me in the face through various forms of research and speaking with others within the lifestyle. The main one being that of consent.
Everything within a D/s dynamic is done with mutual consent and the submissive is free to relinquish control because they trust their Dominant not to hurt or break them.
There is always respect and consideration. Even within a scene Sir will check-in and ensure I am ok. After all, what use am I to Sir if I am hurt or damaged in any way and why would a true Dominant want to harm their submissive?
My past will always be a part of me, as it is with anyone. However, it has no hold over me, nor does it make me any the weaker for being a submissive considering my previous abuse. If anything, I am stronger for it because if there’s one thing a submissive is not, is weak !!
The amount of strength and willpower it takes to give the control and lead over to another, knowing that they then have the power to do whatever they please with you, is immense and should not be given easily.
Trusting people was another hurdle that I had to overcome. Again, due to the monsters I had come across in my past, this took substantially more effort and time.
As someone who had been used, abused and taken for granted for so long. I found it difficult to fathom how to even begin trusting someone and always questioned their intentions. I had a tendency to look for the negatives before even considering the benefits of having anyone in my life in any way, be that friends, family members and even colleagues. I was always wary and perhaps overly cautious for the most part. Yet with a change in mindset and perspective, learning to look for the positives before the negatives, I began to see how to allow people back into my life whilst remaining guarded and protect myself again.
Part of being Sir’s submissive, is that He is my protector and will look out for me and my best interests also. Being able to feel secure and safe enough in His presence to give Him my submission and afford Him the respectful title and position of Sir was also a lengthy part of my journey but one that has proved to be most rewarding.
Not only is Sir trustworthy, respectful, protective, considerate, and an experienced Dominant. He has always had my best interests at heart and has always encouraged me to continue growing, exploring, learning, furthering myself and even encouraged me in a recent career choice and venture. I am nurtured in a way that allows me to remain in control of my own choices and even when I make mistakes, We address the issue together as I discover what I can learn from it, if I have not already worked it out for myself.
Having spent most of my life being abused or in controlling relationships, being a submissive has brought many of the monsters to the fore but in my opinion, for the better. I am able to recognise myself in the mirror. I can honestly say that I am who I am because of the choices I have made, not as a result of my past.
I could say that I am a victim of abuse and how hard done by I am.
I could say that I should be treated with care because I am fragile and was hurt in the past.
I could have decided to remain stuck in the room with monsters in the closet.
Instead, I choose to say I am fighter. I survived, I fell down a few times and yet I got back up. Time and time again. I am not the result of anyone else’s actions, I am my own person.
I am Sir’s submissive by my own choice and I willingly accept all that comes within Our dynamic.
I am a wife on paper only, as it has since been agreed that our marriage ended long before Sir and I met and the decision to have an open marriage really opened my eyes to the options available and the day I gave myself to Sir as His submissive, was the day I took control of my life again.
I am also a mother and my children mean the world to me. They will remain loved and given the best childhood I can give them. Nurtured and protected to the best of my ability and they will grow up knowing that we are all free to make our own decisions and what makes us happy is worth fighting for.