Shadows, closets and monsters under the bed

We all have a past, we all have areas we would prefer to forget or put away in a closet.

Some of us have demons that haunt us or hold us back for various reasons.

There are also areas within us that are usually lurking within the shadows of ourselves.

However, along my journey, I realised that every single part of me needed to be looked at. Even the shadows, closets and monsters under the bed.

Once I found what I call my ‘Safe Space’, I felt slightly stronger within myself and began to face head on the demons that had been haunting me for so long, fears of certain things due to past experiences and unfortunately the trauma attached, even to the point I couldn’t even begin to imagine myself in the lightest form of kink or bondage scenes. Let alone full blown restraints and ropes as I now find myself enjoying and longing for more of.

For some time, I considered that my safe space was purely with Sir but with time and further understanding, I learned that it is within my own head and control. My outlet and confidant was my Sir. I felt that I was able to lean on Him, confide in Him and even ask for advice and support as I found the strength to face another part of me that I had spent so many years quashed and hidden.

Not only was this beneficial for the foundations of Us as a couple with honesty and full disclose, but more importantly allowed me to discover parts of me that I had been running from or even denying. Traumatic events were discussed and even described for a better understanding and clearer picture of what I had experienced and how it affected me at the time, in the past and then addressed how it was affecting me in the present.

There were many hours put into this, with many emotions and lots of tears and heartache. But, it was crucial for the growth of myself into the person I am today and still becoming.

There were a few ‘events’ in my past that caused flashbacks, panic, upset and even physical pain as I faced them (I use the term ‘events’ loosely). Not for the pain it was causing me but for the process and evolution that followed as I began to realise I could take charge of how those childhood memories were effecting me and what hold previous abuse and traumas would have on me.

I could have remained feeling self-pity, anger, hurt, blaming myself and loathed the people involved, or I could decide to sit up and see that I am still here, I am not to blame and even after everything, with a life of my own. A family, a few qualifications under my belt and a desire to help others with an empathy that can only be there in a person who has experienced similar.

Once I chose to sit up and see, I began to rebuild myself from the inside, out.

Some of the pains and angst subsided purely with having shared them and spoken them out loud.

Others, as I later discovered would take time to heal and that for me, replacing those memories with something far more positive might actually be the best way forward for me to begin healing.

Trusting someone was always something of a challenge as I have been burnt before in previous relationships and by friends whom I confided in, but when I realised how secure I was in Sir’s friendship and as my confidant, whenever I shared a little more of my struggles and myself, I felt my trust in Him growing and I shared more and more, each time feeling a little lighter and less bound by my past. Less haunted by the monsters and the closet.

Not all demons can be removed however and some still remain, like my own personal nemesis or cloud as it were. My biggest ones are those of self-doubt and fear of being left or replaced. Some of which is rooted back to childhood, some is just part of who I am and the way I think or over-think.

Ultimately, facing every single part of myself, even the worst parts, actually let the light in to the shadows and I was finally able to see myself for who I really am and finally, I dared to dream of who I could be.

This was far from an easy process;

It was painful

Patience was very much required

Open to face the feelings and memories

Making the choice to trust

Ready to make a change within myself

A choice to make changes and which demons to face

Finally feeling like I had found somewhere I was safe, within myself

The nightmares and flashbacks subsided and were replaced over time

What I once feared, I no longer do.

Where there was once a hurt, vulnerable victim is now a strong female warrior.

One who chose to fight back, to sit up and make changes, to be the change and ultimately be free.

I chose to fight back, to make changes where I needed to. I chose to take this journey and move on.

In being free, I found my safest space in Sir’s arms and there is no place I would rather be when I’m having a rough day at home or We are apart for long periods of time.

There is no one I would rather be vulnerable with.

Sir is my confidant as much as He is my guide and support.

He grounds me when I waiver or struggle.

He is everything a submissive could wish for in a Dominant

He is firm but fair, forceful but never abusive. Strong and in control.

Trustworthy, caring, honest, considerate, supportive, protective, encouraging, highly intelligent and vigilant and one of the best choices I have made in my life.

As Sir chose me to be His submissive, to take Ownership and ultimately Collar me. I chose Him to be my Dominant and to give my submission to Him and to humbly accept His Ownership and Collar.

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