Following on from my previous post ‘When life sucks!’ these last few months have been another of testing patience and commitment to both each other and ourselves individually.
Both of Us suffer with health conditions which sometimes affect Our time together. With Sir’s leg being the one I most often mention. However, I also have a long term condition which ebbs and flows in and out of pain and exhaustion. Some of you may know it as Chronic Fatigue or Fibromyalgia. I have always been able to pass it off as ‘a mild case’ until recently…
I have been trying to find a new pain relief regime with my Dr since October 2022 and it is still ongoing with more days than not in pain that stops me doing my usual day to day chores or wakes me in the night. This in turn has meant that the requirements of Tasks from Sir has lessened, as He understands that being in pain makes the Tasks less enjoyable which detracts from the whole point of them. Being woken in the night with pain means I am just about functioning on minimal sleep and needing to rest during the day (much more than I’d like!). so all in all, I am looking at myself and my condition from a whole new stand point and I am working on accepting that it is by no means only ‘a mild case’ any longer and I have to try and find new coping mechanisms.
Emphasis on the word ‘Try’!
As if Sir’s leg injury and now long term, probably permanent lack of mobility wasn’t enough of an adjustment for Us both… I’m now having to actually speak up about how I’m physically feeling and when there is pain, admit it. This has been far less than easy. I’ve spent years just getting on with things and taking pain relief when required and not really spoken about it. It’s beginning to look like I can no longer suffer in silence 🤐 Especially when Sir and I have a session planned – He needs to know what physical condition I am in so as to avoid further pain or injury!!
Accepting that I have the condition, I thought was years ago but perhaps not? Perhaps I have hidden my head in the sand to a degree hoping that it wouldn’t get any worse or as bad as some of the friends We know with it? When your body decides it’s going to send shooting hot pains through you at 3am and then you are needing to collapse back to bed a few hours when you should be spending time with your children…. Mine are 12 and 16 and thankfully both quite self sufficient, but it’s a hard pill to swallow some days. Especially like today where it is a Bank Holiday for us in the UK, when other families are doing things out and about and I’m curled up with hot/cold compresses and a blanket, whilst my kids have disappeared into their tech devices. Typical teens to a degree, I would like to think, but it doesn’t stop the guilt I feel as Mum and as Tao’s submissive, being unable to do much at the moment.
So for now, I have to accept that the condition is having an effect on me, both physically and emotionally and keeping everything crossed that my next Drs consult will be productive and finally helpful towards better pain management so as I can do things again. I keep lines of communication open with Sir and keep Him up to date on how the pain levels are and how I’m feeling, which also helps me along the road to acceptance… I have this CFS/Fibro and it is going to kick my ass off its feet at times. However, I am not going to stay down. I will get up again, even if it’s with supports/walking aids but most of all; I am not alone in this. My children are older and slowly beginning to understand that I have good/bad days and Sir’s support is, as always, amazingly strong and I am forever grateful.
So to my children and Sir; Thank you and I love you xxxxxxxxx