Without going into too fine a detail, my husband and I came to crossroads in our marriage where we decided to explore the options and possibilities available to us with an Open Relationship within the world of ‘swingers’. My husband does his own thing, with people that suit him and I do mine.
What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander as they say.
However, if only it were that simple and straight forward.
I have what I would term as a ‘Dark, twisted and unfortunate background’ stemming back to my childhood and it took me a long time to realise for myself that this was actually not my fault. Subject to a multitude of inappropriate behaviours, attitudes and abuse, sexual and physical, for many a year.
It wasn’t until I began looking deeper into the Dom/sub world, at the beginning of the open relationship, that I became aware of who I truly am and my nature.
During my many months of research into BDSM, Dom/sub relationships, Dominants and submissives and their natures, I began to see many a parallel between what I was reading and myself. At one point I recall reading an article and it felt like I was looking into a mirror. It was me, to a tee !!
A people pleaser, someone willing to put themselves last for the benefit of others, usually with little or no thought for themselves or what it may be doing or causing along the line. I didn’t give myself a second thought. I was very much focussed on being the ‘perfect housewife’ and mother. Someone who was reliable, honest, helpful, useful and pleasing whilst being obedient and compliant, to a degree … something always held me back and pinged questions that for years I was deaf to. My self esteem was in my boots, I had nothing I could define as my own, nor did I have any freedom to be my own person or do my own thing. I gave up everything to be the housewife and mother to my two wonderful, yet sometimes monster children.
My children became my focus as oppose to my husband and I suspect that is where the rift began for us to the point we decided to try something that later became used as weapon from both sides, in many an argument. This is not submission, this is verging on abuse. Emotional and mental.
My giving nature was being taken for granted, exploited and manipulated to suit others needs and I was lost to myself in the process. I had stopped doing everything I enjoyed and worked for, I began loosing friends as my contact with others lessened. My moods changed and I began feeling more and more trapped at home.
This is not a good place to be and I urge you, if you are in a place similar to this situation, please consider your options and the opportunities available to you.
I had the good fortune of a true friend coming forward to offer support and guidance, offered advice and yet didn’t force anything. All decisions and changes made within my marriage and the household were choices I made. I spent many hours venting, thinking out loud, asking questions or being asked questions to make me think and realise for myself the situation or answers I was so desperately searching for. Many months of soul searching ensued and I began to realise it was not a case of becoming a submissive, it was my being willing and able to embrace it. Being a submissive had always been in my nature, it was never respected, appreciated or cherished like it should be until I began to understand if for myself and realised my own self worth and how sacred true submission is.
I am also very glad and honoured to say that the true friend became my Sir a few years down the line and it was one of the best decisions I have made in my life. W/we spent many hours discussing Dom/sub, BDSM, what it would mean to embrace my inner submissive and how to do so safely without falling into traps of predators, abusers or even wannabe doms.