One of the first things I discovered very quickly in the world of D/s, as with any relationship really, is that communication is key!
Not only is total honesty expected but so is full disclosure.
Opening up to someone so completely that you are vulnerable. Laid bare as it were and giving someone the power to hurt you yet trusting and knowing that that will not! That takes some guts and a lot of will power.
Part of my journey entailed a lot of soul searching and facing demons and the skeletons in my closet head on. From memories of the past to very real flashbacks and moments of absolute dread.
Without explaining my past, the childhood abuse, the fears and scars that run deep inside, there was no way my Sir could fully know who I am, nor how far I might be able to go in to servitude.
I recall a time, before I was even Owned by Sir, that He and I were discussing my past and how certain things scared me and brought back flashbacks as moments of horror. As if waking nightmares if you will. I couldn’t even entertain the thought of being restrained or tied in any way, due to an event in my past that was haunting me. Little did I realise at the time that I was allowing my past to haunt me. I was giving in to the fears and therefore allowing those that hurt and abused me still have some sort of hold over me and my life.
After many a conversation about how I was feeling, what I wanted to feel or not, and how pleasure can be found in the most unsurprising places, I began to understand that as a true Dominant, He would ensure no harm came to me or anyone else He sees. Yes, He had others and still does see others on occasion. I began to realise that whilst I was abused before, it was actually not my fault nor was it anything I asked for or consented to.
The biggest challenge being that I was now looking at my nightmares as something I not only survived and carried on to live to a ‘normal’ life with a family of my own some years later irrespective of the abuse I suffered by others, I actually fought back. To claim my own identity as it were. From the poor girl that was abused, or the woman that allowed herself to drown in self-pity, to a woman who wanted to stand up and face the demons head on and remove any power they might have. To do this, I began to realise and understand that making new memories and living a life that I have been craving for so long could be a turning point for me. One that would see me restore not only my self esteem and self confidence, as I had next to non at the time Sir and I met, but also to see myself as a woman of worth. Not someone to be treated without respect or appreciation or down trodden. Someone who could stand up for herself and what she believed in and to live a life of enjoyment and adventure.
With this in mind and a new way of thinking as well as very open communication. I decided to take some of the biggest leaps of faith I had ever done. I wanted to explore the realms of Dominant/submissive as I had been doing so much research and seeing my own reflection back in much of my reading and learning. Making discoveries about myself and what I felt I wanted and needed in life. One of those wants was to have fun and adventure. My desire to please was always prominent but I also knew that I had to overcome some big hurdles within myself before I could even begin to consider being someone’s submissive.
In time, I had so much trust and confidence in Sir that it was agreed that He would assist me in part of my journey towards self-discovery. I wanted to banish the demons and flashbacks. I didn’t want to be scared of a bit of rope anymore! So Sir brought His out and watched my reaction as much as I felt it.
Initially, my heart stopped and my eyes flashed in panic. I felt my breathing speed up and could hear my pulse pounding in my ears…. I was not ready. It was a step in the right direction however, as a few weeks later, it was agreed to try again. By this point, I had realised that everything I was about to do and try, was not only consensual (vitally important!) but was also of my own choice. I was in control, even though Sir would be leading the scene. It is my body and I choose who gets to do what with it and how much I give of myself was ultimately up to me. The decision and power was mine!
Any one who tells you that a submissive ‘just follows orders and doesn’t have an opinion’ or brain of their own, has little understanding of D/s relationships.
Had I not asked Sir if He would assist me on my journey, in a safe, consensual environment after having built up a lot of trust and honesty between Us, I would not be where I am today.
Don’t get me wrong, Sir has been an absolute rock and even hard on me at times as I have taken decisions in my own life. He is fully aware of my situation at home, my past, my present and all that stresses me out, even what pleasures me and turns me on. What I enjoy, my hobbies, my qualifications even. Most of all, Sir knows all about me and that is due to being absolutely honest along the way and finding not only myself but also a safe space to be myself.
By the time Sir and I tried again with restraints, I was more than ready. I was nervous without a doubt but once my head caught up that I was not only consenting but also safe in Sir’s hands. I had a safeword should needs be to call the scene to a stop and I had put my trust in Sir. I began to relax as the bonds were put into place, Sir talked me through the whole process and explained the fast release knots should needs be, so I could release myself, and once I realised to breath and enjoy the sensations, I began to relax and my god, was it worth it ?! Absolutely!! The sensations were nothing like I’d ever experienced before and I was not thrashing or panicking with a flashback. I was, for the first time, enjoying for myself and allowing myself to enjoy and be enjoyed.
Needless to say, I found myself enjoying restraints and it has since become an enjoyable side to Our scenes and play times. Even to the point I have begun to learn techniques with the ropes so as I can self-tie and bring mutual pleasure and the fear I once had of not being able to move or escape, has totally gone. There is no better feeling that discovering you are safe, respected, cherished and loved,
Being restrained is not for everyone. I use the rope scene from my experience as an example of how communication is crucial.
To be totally open and honest with your Dominant is not only important when it comes to understanding each other, but also to begin to realise your own potential. Not only will you begin to learn more of your Dominant but you will begin to learn things about yourself as you go along and this is a process that should continue as you go along your journey. For yourself as much as for your Dominant. It allows you an opportunity to pause, reflect, review and realise if needs be, just how far you have come.
As you progress further into the realms of your D/s dynamic, your communication must remain open so as you can openly discuss issues such as limits, review scenes together, discuss any changes you feel might be necessary and know that your opinion matters. How you feel about scenes, scenarios you may find yourself in, challenges and adventures are all part of the journey of any D/s couple. We are not always going to get everything right either, so realising mistakes and humbly accepting your Dominants’ decision as final is also important.
There have been times where things have gone wrong with Sir and I, unfortunately through my own actions or words and I received punishment which had already been discussed and communicated clearly, so I humbly accepted my Sir’s decision and punishment, and the issue was then closed
Above all, remember that your Dominant has your best interests at heart as much as you wish to pleasure and find pleasure with Him. After all, what good is a broken submissive?
Having open and honest communication allows for the same in your future adventure together. Open, honest and so worthwhile.