Whilst spending many months digging deep and facing demons head on, I learnt just how lost I had actually become in my daily life. I had lost my own identity and self confidence. I couldn’t see myself as much beyond a stay at home mum, with no focus or direction for myself. I had let my hobbies go by the weigh side, I left all my qualifications on back burners and was limited to socialising in my own home with other young mothers and their children to avoid conflict and stress at home.
I was blind for so many years as to who I am and what I want from life, what I am actually capable of and what I could do alongside having children whilst still being myself.
There were a few options available to me as it happens and it was merely a matter of choice.
Stay put and do nothing, stand up and fight for myself or leave it all behind.
However, with making such a choice, also came courage, conviction and strength. This took some consideration, soul searching and nurturing but once I had decided to stand up for myself and fight for a life I could enjoy and be happy in myself, I began to grow again.
My inner submissive was able to come to the fore and grew in strength and courage to research, explore and even test some parts of myself that I hadn’t realised were laying dormant. Whist doing so, I found myself feeling happier in myself, waking with a smile on my face and spring in my step and a new found confidence that I am who I am and a desire to know more.
It was several months down the line before I could honestly look at myself and see my physical self in a similar way to those around me. I didn’t see myself as attractive or sexy in any way as I wasn’t feeling that within myself. I felt more like a shadow of my former self until I made choices to change my perception and realise the beauty within that actually flowed out through my personality, behaviour, intelligence and even just plain old interaction with people. The physical side of me took a hammering through my pregnancies but it was with hindsight, during my soul searching and many a conversation with Sir, that I realised I had already begun my own journey long before We met. I had made a choice to loose weight to feel better in myself and be a healthier mum, which I managed to do of my own accord and with support of a few friends around me. However, the part I missed was feeling better in myself for myself. I had gotten so used to putting everyone else above my own needs and wants that I forgot how important it is to be happy with myself, for myself.
Once I had grasped the concept of being happy with myself, the new slender self with her feminine curves back and a body that didn’t actually look like it had suffered child birth, I started to realise that I was in fact pretty attractive, feminine, curvaceous in all the right places, a cute little ass in proportion to my breasts and height. A slight tummy but that was to be expected considering two difficult pregnancies and has now become known as my ‘mummy tummy’ and someone pretty sexy.
Changing the way I saw myself, had a huge impact on how I began to see things in general. I began to express how I was feeling about myself more clearly, as well as in the choice of clothes, the more flattering the better. The way I composed myself around certain people determined how they would respond. My attitude towards myself changed to such a degree that I could understand why I was attracting various forms attention from men and woman alike, how and why I was popular on a certain social site where web cams and chat drew a lot of interest and lust. I was actually given a task by Sir at this point to determine ‘lust’ and how it related to the current situation. I am not saying that I am God’s gift to me, not by a long way but I do see myself as someone who has been blessed with certain looks and assets that appeal to others and I should not be ashamed of that, it is, after all a part of who I am.
Finding myself in a happier personal space also brought a sense of freedom and release. There was no longer any reason to hide away or shy away from exploring what is only a natural response to being a human with physical and emotional wants, needs and desires. All that was needed was to embrace every part of me as a whole and realise my own worth. Not only am I someone who was blessed with children but I am a mother, a woman, a submissive, a housewife, a friend, a sexual being and even a pain in the ass at times. I am actually worthy of so much more than the sum of what I can or cannot do for others. Be that my Sir, my family, my friends or others.
I am woman
I am caring and considerate
I am intelligent
I am sexy and desirable
I am strong and powerful
I am humbly Sir’s submissive and I am free to be me.