Without naming all the many sites I have come across along the past few years as I have looked into various parts of Dominance/submission, there are so many out there it surprised me when I first began. To the point I was overwhelmed.
Wow! There is so much more to it than I realised!
How do I know which ones to look at or which ones have the most relevant information?
Where on earth do I start?
How did I get through the many many pages of information available online?
I realised quickly my preference for certain styles and perspectives, so I began to focus upon those.
Some are websites, some are purely ‘facts’. some are blogs usually written from personal experiences, others are more technical in their format. However, for me, it was a long process and not done in any hurry. There was no way I could take in everything at once and sometimes it would be a while before something I had read actually made sense to me on some level.
There are so many different perspectives and it soon became clear that no two D/s relationships are the same, like no two people are. The chances of two relationships being even remotely similar is slim, let alone identical. Then again, who would want to be a carbon copy of someone else? How can you be yourself if you are mimicking someone else’s opinions and experiences?
Whilst spending many hours reading and asking questions of Sir and His submissive at the time (we were all close friends), other submissives I had come to know online, and speaking with others within the community I began to form my own perception and understanding of the intricacies of the world that is more commonly known as BDSM and D/s dynamics.
I have never been one to rush into anything blind. I prefer to get my eggs in a row and have some idea of what is involved, what being a submissive might entail and also what it means to those engaged in the dynamic. What is a submissive? What is a Dominant? What makes a person either Dominant or submissive? How does it work and why? These are just a few examples of questions I asked myself as I began to look for understanding.
What I hadn’t banked on, was that I would read something that was like looking into a mirror. Quite literally as if I was reading about myself. How I did certain things and why, what I thought, felt, how I behaved and the reactions from such all began to make sense.
I briefly touched on what is a submissive in a previous post and there are many different types of submissive as I learnt through my researching. The most crucial thing I realised was that you cannot make anyone a Dominant or a submissive. They either are, or they are not. It is something deep within a persons’ make up and personality. My submission was not realised or recognised for a long time because I had not yet found that part of me. It was buried so deep inside that when I discovered that side of me, I was craving more understanding and the journey began to take shape.
Yes, you can make someone do certain things to a certain extent, but how can you make someone submit to you against their freewill ? Where is the freedom to be a submissive if they have been made or forced to do so?
If a person is made to do something in the realm of D/s under the pretence of it being ‘because I’m a Dominant and I told you so’ it would ring alarms bells for sure!
Before I began even dipping my toe into the realms of D/s, I admit I read the Fifty Shades of Grey series and at the time it had not long been released. Within only a few days of delving into the mine field that is D/s online, I soon realised how fictional and far fetched the novels actually are. For some, they can relate to the novels and perhaps are even living something close to it. However, for me, I began to see many flaws and errors in the technical side of the relationship being portrayed in the book.
I am not saying not to read the novels, not at all. I would just like to offer a word of caution to anyone who reads them as a source of information or a ‘manual’. Instructional they are not! Since the release of the books, there has been an influx into the BDSM community and many a person has found themselves in difficult situations, perhaps even dangerous ones as they have no understanding of the severity of certain scenes or what effect they might have on someone. If I take anything from reading the series, it is that I do not want to be ‘that sort of submissive’
Which ‘type’ of submissive one becomes is again something of personal choice. One that feels right to you personally. Not one that you feel you ‘have to be’ to be with someone in particular, or as a way of staying with someone. Anyone who insists you should change should raise questions in your own head…
Once I realised I was actually more a ‘natural submissive’ than any of the definitions and version of submissive found online, it was as if a door had been opened and I could see a light at the end of what had been a very long dark tunnel. I began to feel a yearning for knowledge and understanding as to how to bring out the best in myself. Not to say that any one ‘type’ of submissive is better than another because they are not, it is my personal experience that makes me feel I found my way. Then it was a matter of making a choice. To look through the door and take the first step with a trusted friend, or not?
It was one of the biggest decisions I feel I made in my life at that point. Like a point of no return as it were. There was a new found self that was yearning to be free and to explore a whole new world from a new perspective. To embrace who I had realised was quashed for so long through circumstance and perhaps even my own denial for a time.
I continued reading and researching but I also began asking poignant questions of myself, soul searching and opened communication so as I could make sense of any confusion and also to allow Sir an insight of the inner submissive that was slowly emerging from her slumber.
As I asked the questions, very rarely did Sir give me the exact answer. It was something I had to fathom and understand myself for it make sense and work, for me.
With each question, came a little more understanding as I began to understand more of myself and little more of of my defensive wall came down and I began to see myself emerging into something beautiful, strong, intelligent, loving, powerful, deserving and worthy of more.
This was not an easy part of the journey by a long way, nor was it rushed but it was so important because I began to realise for myself the importance of self worth, self love and self confidence and most importantly the importance of making my own decisions and choices. All traits I was lacking in before the dawn of a submissive and my journey began.
6 years on and I am still researching parts of D/s, as and when the need arises. and still learning more about myself and my Sir. My understanding and grasping the meaning of certain situations or circumstance has begun to grow and the need to ask questions is less. However I do still ask if ever I am unsure. One thing that has never been an issue is feeling like I cannot ask. Clarity, understanding and my opinion is important to Us both, as should yours be to your Dominant and yourself.
Most of all, realise that everyone is continuously learning. Life is a journey and one to enjoy!