Lifestyle · submission

Monsters, part II

Very few people dare to admit that we do actually live with monsters on a daily basis.

Be that from inner fears, worries and doubts.

Personal circumstances always have both positive and negative sides, as well as with every action there is always a reaction.

Much like the teachings of Tao Te Ching, by Laozi, an East Asian philosophy. Tao is the natural order of the universe wherein one’s human intuition must discern in order to realise the potential for individual wisdom. Laozi explains that Tao is not a ‘name’ for a ‘thing’ but signifies the ‘way’, ‘path’, ‘route’, ‘road’ and ultimately ‘the journey’.

Not only do my submission as journey, but my whole life. Discovering how to learn from all and any situation I have found myself in. Be that positive or negative.

When I make a mistake, not only do I learn the negative effect but there is always a positive hidden within. Such as, changing the way I approach said situation another time, or not. If it was something that will be repeated or avoided in future. This in itself is discerning for myself the relevant course of action for me personally and how to better improve so as not to make the same mistake again.

The biggest daily monster for myself, is that of inner fears and insecurities.

I fear not being good enough, not believing in myself, low self-esteem and even a fear of being rejected or left alone.

These fears creep in to everyday life, in my family life and even with my friendships. I deliberately keep my friendship circle small due to previous past experiences and a lot of pain and errors in judgement on my part. I opened myself up too much, I became vulnerable and ultimately my weaknesses were being exploited and I was then taken for granted, used and later disguarded when they had no further use for me. The ‘friendship’ later proving to have been a smoke screen and not genuinely two-way as it should be.

Within the family home, it is often very tense and I find myself biting my tongue so as not to speak out of turn or take someone’s head off in my anger or ‘in the moment’ when I get wound up. However, with all I do for the family around the house and the additional extras of late due to lockdown, all the help with school work, keeping the children out of their dad’s way so he can work in comfort and quiet at the dining table whilst I run around like a headless chicken in the background doing everything else for everyone, it does build up within me and I have had to learn very quickly when to speak or when to remain silent. How to avoid conflict and when to cause others to think, or at least listen to my perspective and realise the errors of their ways.

Not only am I am mother, housewife and Sir’s submissive, there is much more to me than what I can do around the house. I do struggle to see myself as more at times, feeling beaten by the day sometimes. As I throw myself totally into everything I do, I am house proud, so I keep the house as I would wish it to be. I won’t have my children brought up thinking that being mistreated or taken for granted is the ‘norm’ or ‘okay’ … they do hear me speak up on occasion. They even question the actions of others towards at times and my heart skips a beat when they step in and pretty much defend me. It is so hard to see myself as ‘more’ than just the housewife at times but seeing how my children are growing up, gives me hope that I am doing something right.

Someone once told me that I was ‘just a submissive’ … this is far from true. in the context of the conversation being had, it was done in a derogatory way. As if I am meaningless, useless and should basically be seen but not heard. They are of the opinion that I am not allowed my own opinion, let alone actually voicing it.

For years I was stuck in a relationship where I didn’t speak up, I was afraid to have my own opinion. There was never any chance to. So having a Sir who actually encourages me to speak up whenever appropriate, to voice my ideas/dreams/fantasises has been another new part of my path.

As Sir’s pixie, I am guided and nurtured along the way. Even though We are technically two people on Our own journeys through life, We are still journeying along the same path and the support, company, fun, laughter, sharing, caring, tears and even pains at times are shared, which ultimately shows of how much worth a submissive actually is to their Dominant.

As Sir is my confidant and safe space, I am His also. I do not protect Our relationship in the same way as Sir does, but I do so in my own way and look out for both Sir and I.

If I wasn’t good enough as I am, I wouldn’t be Sir’s submissive, let alone His Collared submissive.

Learning to believe in yourself is not an easy task and is often a difficult path to take. However, the rewards and positive outcomes are so worth it.

My path of self discovery is far from over and I will no doubt come up against many other hurdles and obstacles along the way. Yet I know that I am happy being me, doing what I do for myself and my own happiness, as well as my children’s, which in turn brings happiness and pleasure to Sir.

If I could offer just a little advice, it is that the journey begins with one step. Take a step at a time and enjoy the experiences and adventures along the way. Embrace yourself, be happy in yourself for who you are and see that others around you become happy for and with you.

Take that step and start your own journey. You are worth it!

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